Give up yet, Superman?

Ha! You’ll never get me to reveal my name inside-out, and upside-down while eating a pink banana!

Of course not, that’s impossible.

Impossible for the likes of a feeble minded worm like yourself maybe!

No I mean it’s not possible. It’s beyond your abilities.

What in the name of gargling leprechauns are you talking about?!

This is already the full extent of your abilities, Mxy. You couldn’t handle any more.

What?! That’s ridiculous! What do you think this is, some cartoon where I’m holding up a tugboat, airplane, whale, and kitchen sink and all you have to do is put a feather on top and I’ll drop it all?!

Sort of. You can’t be much more powerful than this. Just summoning the pink banana would overload your system. Not to mention trying to figure out how to say that god awful word inside-out. And how exactly do you plan on speaking upside-down? The whole solution just isn’t feasible. You’ve lost sight of the rules you yourself made.

Alright you want proof!!! Here!

Makes it rain pink bananas.

I can make all the pink bananas I want, or pink watermelons or cumquat or whatever you want! And I don’t plan on saying the name itself inside-out, and upside-down, rocks for brains! I’ll just flip myself

And rip my innards out!

Turns himself inside out.

Then I can just say plain old “Mxyzptlk!”

Yeesh! How hard is it for you to think creatively?!?!?

Aw for the love of--

NUTS! NUTS! NUTS!!!

He got you again didn’t he, Mxy!? Boy I keep tellin’ ya two is better--

Mind your own business, Etim!

--than one! You show me all the stuff I need to know, but now when the time comes for someone to follow in your footsteps, active training in the field you know, to follow in your journeys to a place far less advanced th--

Will you just shut up for five seconds!!!

Shutting up!

Etimtabs: Shutting up!!!

The 4 split into 8.

Etimtabs: Shutting up!!!

Alright. Listen up you obnoxious little twerp!

He takes Etim by the throat, the other 7 vanish.

How many times do I gotta tell you, you lousy little amateur! The third dimension is my territory! Tormenting Superman is my thing that I do! And I don’t need or want ANYONE’s help!

Throws Etim against the wall.

Get a life and find your own hobby!

Gee, you mean it?

YES!!!

Oh, Mxy, don’t get all worked up over Superman again.

I wouldn’t be half as ticked, babe, if I didn’t have to come back to the most obnoxious little twip this side of the multi-verse!

Relax, Mxy, my brother’s only going to stay with us for another few millennia. You know, just until he finds a job.

Although you know… you getting rid of him for the moment is a rather unique opportunity. It’d be oh so nice to get some quite time.

She leans in to kiss him, but he moves out of the way and starts to pace. She falls flat on her face.

You’re right, Gspy, Baby! This is the perfect time to start planning for my next encounter with the ham of steel!

He pulls out some blueprints and starts to go over them.

Now lets see… what went wrong last time… probably needed bigger chickens…

Well I tried. I’m going to watch soap operas.

Right, babe, Superman’s a jerk.

This is Snapper Carr live at the unveiling of the Justice League’s new headquarters which has been in development by world renowned scientific genius, Dr. Reed Richards, for the past several months here in Metropolis. Rumor has it that the Justice League’s previous base of operations was destroyed earlier this year. The new Watchtower has been at the center of heated controversy since the project began. Many residents feel that it will attract an increase in terrorist assaults on the city, while others feel that the presence of the Justice League will bring about unparalleled security. In just a few hours Superman himself will address the press on these and many other questions and concerns. But right now, we’ve been told that the Justice League is touring the facility for the very first time. We’ll be here with up to the minute information throughout the day.

Yeah so I hate to be pessimistic, but this place doesn’t look all that…

Finished?

Bingo.

Reed said there were some final touches to be made, but that the building was overall ready for use.

I’m just glad we don’t have to meet at the food court in the mall for meetings anymore. Batman scarred the hell out of those kids.

Maybe all these finishing touches are what’s keeping our hosts.

Not exactly Rogue. These Robots are polishing off the interior. Paneling, wallpaper. Etc. Basically just making it look nicer, but I assure you the Watchtower is completed. Batman and Valeria have done exquisite work.

Right, stretch, like you didn’t have anything to do with it.

Actually most of the frame work is based on my Dad’s design for Four Freedoms Plaza. Vibrannium shell, adumantium support skeleton, internal data and security network. And certain parts are spacially paradoxical.

The what now?

Some rooms are bigger on the inside than the space they actually occupy on the outside.

Ah so this place is impossible.

Ground floor is mostly recreation and general living quarters. However we do have a training area much like the old watchtower, only enhanced with technology from the X-Men’s Danger Room.

As we go up we’ll show you guys the labs, supply rooms, and the main computer room which you‘ll see is pretty much identical to the old one. Not an ounce of information was lost from the old tower, since Batman designed the computer to feed backup data to the Batcave.

Top floor is the hangar, where you’ll find a tweaked design of the javelin seven and room for about twenty other crafts. There’s also an underground garage.

Question. Won’t it be harder to get around, seein’ as how we’re localized on Earth rather than orbiting it?

I’m glad you asked. Firstly, as you all know we reached the general consensus to have the new tower on Earth because of the dangers of being exposed to deep space in the event of a breech. But like you said that raised concerns on the ability to arrive on the scene of a disaster on time. Instead of aiming for the surface of the planet from space you would now have to travel its circumference.

Basically we figured we’re exposed to cutting edge technology on a regular basis. We might as well use it to the fullest. So we installed a teleportation network across the globe. There’s hundreds of them in key locations. Each specific to our genetic codes and well hidden from the eye of the public. And of course there’ll be one at Four Freedoms, the Xavier Institute, the Fortress of Solitude, and the Batcave. Also genetically specific for various reasons.

Too bad. I was hoping I could leave a frosty surprise in someone’s Bat-Cereal.

Only kidding! But in all seriousness I’m still not sure on the whole Metropolis thing. The majority of us live in New York.

New York’s well protected by the Fantastic Four and Avengers. We actually considered Gotham for a while, thinking it would cause a significant drop in the crime rate.

Some of the others give Batman a puzzled look.

I was afraid some of my more cerebral enemies would consider our presence a… challenge.

Let me show you some of the internal security measures…

Hate to interrupt windbag’s rant on security, but maybe someone should clue him in that your new club house is 5-D challenged.

This is the wrong time, Mxy.

Aw, the boy scout doesn’t want to play! Well too bad.

Now first of all I think a bit of redecorating is in order.

I suppose it’s useless to try and talk you out of this.

Pretty much.

Ok. Now where do I start. Oh that’s right. At this moment a giant ill tempered squid is trying to--

I am annoyance! I am a fright! I am…

Etim appears dressed as Bat-Mite in a puff of smoke and lighting and dramatic music.

BAT-MITE!

What in the name of heaven?

This is below even you, Mxy.

I’m not doing this you big blue ape!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUDDY?!

Psst. It’s me, Etim! I took your advice!

You took my… what advice?!

I found a hobby, Mxy! Just like yours only better! Now if you’ll excuse me…

Now here’s how this works, Batty! You have to get me to reveal my name backw--

Mxy punches Bat-Mite in the face.

You lousy little twerp! You’re completely stealing my routine!!!

No I’m not! No I’m not! It’s totally different. Batman and Superman are as opposite as night and day! Besides this is more of a challenge.

More of a challenge?! Are you kidding me?! Joe Schmoe here just swings on ropes and throws little bat shaped boomerangs--

Batarangs.

Superman could fry this jerk just by looking at him. I clearly have the superior adversary! AND WHY AM I EVEN ARGUING ABOUT THIS?!?! You’re trying to do everything I do with Superman only with that two bit Zorro wannabe!

Which one of you wants to tell me what’s going on?

Hands off, Mxy! That’s my foe you’re roughing up!

Oh you’re right! I wouldn’t want to accidentally kill your little bruise bag by sneezing on him!

You’ve got it all wrong, Mx! I’ve been studying all the Earth heroes since you told me to find my hobby! And Batman is clearly the best! He’s the smartest, and the most experienced, and the most well prepared, and--

HOLD IT!!! You think Batman is better than Superman?!

Well… Superman’s okay. But he doesn’t have the detective skills. He doesn’t have the knack for inventing. He’s nowhere near as resourceful--

He can level mountains like Bat-fink swats flies! He’s got super speed, super breath, super strength, heat vision, invulnerability, and flight! And what’s Batman got?!?

Well--

I’ll tell you what: Regular speed, regular breath, regular strength, regular vision, vulnerability, and he flies a stupid plane shaped like his logo!!!

What’s Superman’s IQ?

Those tests don’t mean diddly!

C’mon Mxy! What’s Stuperman’s IQ!?

Just watch, twerp! He’ll prove himself.

I’m not sure what this is all about. But is there anyway the two of you could please take it somewhere else?

Bat-Mite looks unimpressed.

“Please?”

He’s got manners. What’s wrong with that?

I don’t know it’s just not as cool. For instance, Batman would say something like--

I’m giving you both to the count of three to give us some answers--

I’m sorry I just don’t find him very threatening.

Are you kidding?! Just look at his eyes! He’s scary… or he would be if we weren’t fifth dimensional power houses.

I still say Superman would disintegrate that twerp in a fight.

One well placed Kryptonite Batarang is all it would take.

How could one normal guy ever hope to give Supes here any trouble?!

Luthor seems to pull it off nicely.

Ah Ha! I know it now! Superman’s better because he takes care of bigger threats. His Rogue’s gallery is way out of Batman’s league!

Maybe but Batman has far more entertaining foes! The Joker, the Riddler, Poison Ivy. Admit it! They’re far superior to Supey’s drab lineup.

Drab?! What about Brainiac, Luthor, Darksei-- Ok! so they are boring! But he’s got me!

Batman has me!

You don’t count, you haven’t even started fighting him yet! Just face it! Superman is the greatest hero on Earth and therefore the greatest adversary!

No. Batman!

SUPERMAN!

BATMAN!!!

Slaps a Bat-Signal on the Superman statue’s chest.

And I thought just one of them was bad.

What are they?

Long story. We have to make sure they don’t hurt anyone.

I’ll show you drab villains!!!

Nice try!

This is insanity!

They’re fighting over us. We have to give them an alternative.

--and that costume is so derivative it makes me want to puke!

Mxy! Wait! We’ll play your game! Just cut this out! You can fight me, and he can fight Batman. Whoever loses first has the more superior adversary.

Sounds fai--

The only thing that would prove is who’s the weaker wielder of might and magic! And I have a better way to settle that!

This can’t be good.

In the center of the Magic Beams a giant dark creature begins to form. Bat-Mite and Mxy look surprised. There’s a massive explosion of magic that knocks both imps away and envelops Metropolis in light. When the light fades a large monstrous creature is left in it’s wake. The monster is a long and worm-like thing lined with many odd looking limbs and tentacles, its head is long and snake like and each segment of it’s body is colored strangely (Plaid, Polka Dots, etc.) It makes a terrible sound of screams and roars and shrieks then begins to wreak havoc on the city destroying things, transforming other things, and making random objects appear. Mxy and Bat-Mite pop up behind Batman and Superman.

Um… now would be a good time for us all to run.

This thing is causing random disruptive phenomenon everywhere it goes and it’s slowly making its way across the US.

Whatever it’s doing we’ve gotta stop it. Just look what it did to Metropolis.

Talk! What is it?!

If you really wanted to pronounce its technical name I’d have to help you swallow your pancreas.

This is your fault! Try to be a little more productive!

Alright, alright I screwed up more than usual this time. No need to get your cape mussed up.

He teleports to the center of the room and generates charts behind him as he explains:

Ahem… When “Bat-Mite” and I clashed the sum of our ever so God-like abilities here in your low quality three dimensional environment an ever so fleeting tear was formed in the interspatial continuum making an ever so transitory rift between the varying degrees of reality and haphazardly allowing a fifth dimensional predator access to the comprehensive patterns of the denizens of this particular stage of existence.

What?

Yeesh! Would somebody get this kid a piece of candy so he’ll shut up!

A giant cane appears and yanks Mxy away.

Hey!!!

Bat-Mite appears in the center and takes over the presentation.

Perhaps I could better stimulate their infinitesimally meager intellects.

Extremely patronizingly:

A bad guy came from a bad place.

So make it go away! Now!

Not so simple, Supes. If everyone was paying attention to MY presentation you’d remember that this thing is from the fifth dimension!

So are you.

I know I’m from-- Aaargh!

Listen up! Man eating lions are from the third dimension. Your average Joe Shmoe is too. But that doesn’t mean that Joey is going to wrestle the ferocious lion to the ground now does it?!?!?

Like it or not your magic is the only thing that gives us an edge so you will help us.

And why shouldn’t we just leave you all high and dry. I know I have no intention of taking on an (Makes swallowing pancreas sound).

Superman:

Because just like there’s fifth dimensional lackeys I’m fairly sure there’re fifth dimensional authorities who don’t like it when you finger paint on the universe.

Bat-Mite and Mxy exchange awkward looks.

He’s got us there.

I’ve been thinking. In order for something to exist in five dimensions you have to break the restraints that we normally have: Time, and possibility. That’s how you generate your “magic”.

Finally someone with elastic cognitive skills.

The creature leaves a wake of distorted reality in it’s path because it needs a shell of five dimensional reality around it to exist. It can’t just be in one time or place. But once it’s no longer occupying the space it was in it leaves that space in a random fixated condition that may or may not relate to its original circumstance.

Iceman rolls his eyes and sticks the sucker back into his mouth.

Nice “why,” Dad. But that doesn’t really help us fight the thing. How could we even get close.

I’m assuming relatively easily. The creature was brought here right outside the watchtower but we, and this building were all completely unaffected by its presence.

Guilty as charged string bean. So we can protect you from it, but that doesn’t mean we can kill it.

Why kill it when you can trap it. Catch it between another crossfire of magic.

It’s a gamble but it’s all we’ve got at the moment. If Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite can keep the influence of the creature’s aura off of us maybe we can weaken it enough that he’ll be vulnerable to their powers directly.

This is your plan?!?! We can’t hurt this thing, but maybe you can?! I take it back, you’re all idiots!!!

The creature has a mind. That makes it susceptible to distractions both tactile and psionic. And my powers have a little reality warping kick to them last time I checked.

Val…

I’ll be fine, Dad. GL or Superman can get me in and out fast enough for the imps to send him back.

Ok. But in actuality it’s not my call to make.

…let’s do it.

A small Midwestern town. The creature is now over it randomly transforming things. The Justice League, Mr. Fantastic and the Imps teleport in. Mxy and Bat-Mite position themselves and begin to generate a protective aura around the 8 heroes.

Reed, Spider-Man. Come with me. We have to evacuate civilians in case the distortions are permanent.

Alright everybody. Hit him hard.

Rogue, and Superman lead the charge battering the creature with super strength but it seems to take no notice of them.

We might as well be specs of dust to this thing.

Out of the way guys. Let us give it a try.

Not too shabby huh?

Alright. Full force.

Well this is going swimmingly.

You know this is a nice little scheme you yokels have whipped together but it just occurred to me that I have well… a much better idea. But the thing is I need your full consent. It’s the way things work.

You know I’m kind of plummeting to my death here!

Would you like anything else?! Some mints perhaps?!

Get to the point.

Mxyzptlk:

When you said your powers have a reality warping kick you were only scratching the surface. Being who I am I do indeed know a few things about you that… well… haven’t happened yet, and yes you have some pretty gnarly potential.

Fat lot of good it’s doing me now.

Well what if I… let’s say… “jump started” some of your more useful skills so you could maybe add something to our cosmic arsenal. Then we go ahead with the lameo plan only this way it’ll work.

I don’t know.

Do you have much of a choice here? Your whole world’s gunna be linguini if you’re little squad fails today!

Valeria looks back over at the fight to see how bad it’s going then turns back to Mxy.

No tricks?

Well there’s always a trick or two.

I swear if you do anything of consequence--

Fine, just one. But I demand it be a surprise.

He grins even wider.

…deal.

Everyone. Help me get in close. Maybe I can make flesh contact.

No Rogue. The overload would kill you.

Anyone got a better idea?

I do.

How?

Valeria!

Don’t worry about me. Just get out of the way.

Now!

Sayonara, Sucker!!!

Sigh. Such Clichés! You’ve got a lot to learn twip!

When the magic dissipates the creature is gone and the town is back to normal. The heroes find themselves teleported back to Metropolis just outside the watchtower, which is also normal again.

Everything’s back to normal.

Not quite.

Relax pointy-ears, we’re almost done here. Just thought I’d take an official rain check to our regular intermittent duel, Superman.

What a shame.

And I just thought I’d--

Don’t ever come back here again.

…ok…

The two Imps fade away slowly as they continue their argument of which has the superior adversary, and time starts up again. Reporters begin to talk rapidly and microphones are placed in the faces of the Justice League.

Reporter 1:

Is the new Watchtower superior to the old one?

What happened to the first Watchtower?

How did you all just appear like that?

Is it true that Wonder Woman and the Flash had children out of wedlock?

I’m sorry. The tour’s not quite over yet. We’ll be back in a moment. Sorry…

What happened back there, Val? How did you--

Dad… Everybody… I think I did something really stupid. But it was…

Absolutely necessary?

Yeah… unfortunately we may have a problem waiting for us down the road.

Don’t we always?

Yeah but this one…

You know what…

She smiles.

Never mind.