Wolverine: Take the wheel, Cyclops. It’s time to introduce these scum bags to my claws!

Wolverine: That was Dino-Mite!

Cyclops: Oh no! The bridge is out!
Wolverine: Gun it, one eye!
They accelerate over the bridge gap which is ridiculously large. All the while Wolverine remains standing in the back seat blowing up jets with his machine guns. They just barely make it across and keep going without a hitch. Zoom out to the Mojoverse where the show is being broadcast. Mojo, Spiral, and many underlings are monitoring the show from a control room.

Mojo: BAM! BANG! CRASH! Violence! Drugs! Money! Sex!
Aside to an underling:
Wait’ll it gets to the part where they have to diffuse the bomb on the topless beach!
Spins around rapidly cheering and making explosion noises.

Now that’s real quality entertainment!

Spiral: Maybe you think so, but they don’t.

Mojo: Oh for the love of radioactive sheep vomit! These are the lowest ratings yet!

Spiral: What did you expect? You’ve been showing these X-inspired reruns for three months straight.

Mojo: We need a new show! Please God, tell me we’ve got something lined up!!!!

Spiral: Well…

“Monkey Grooming With the Wonder Twins”: an educational documentary that--

Mojo: No.

Spiral: “Cannonball’s Cuisine”: Old fashioned southern cooking made easy with--

Mojo: No!
Spiral tosses that one over her shoulder.

Spiral: “All My Children of the Atom”: a compelling soap drama starring--

Mojo: No!!!
He grabs the stack from her and begins to go through the stack tossing each one over his shoulder as he goes.

Mojo: No! No! No! No!… Dear God, No!!!
Sighs.

We’re going to have to find some new inspiration.

Joker: Hey ho, Gothamites! This is everyone’s favorite clown prince of crime in his final broadcast, and your final viewing! You see, I’m afraid your city officials haven’t met my demands… of course I didn’t really make any so you probably should cut them some slack!
Giggles.

Nevertheless you’ve run out of time! But there’s certainly no need for melancholy. When I detonate my bombs this old town’s going to be a much happier place!

Say cheese!
A batarang with a line attached to it wraps around the detonator and yanks it out of his Joker’s hand. The camera pans over to show Batman by the doorway.

Just a minute folks it appears we’re experiencing some minor technical difficulties. As my right hand men here do some exterminating, I’d like once again to thank our sponsor.
A picture of the Grim Reaper appears in the corner of the screen.

Mojo: That guy’s a comic genius and he’s sadistic!!! Spiral!!!

Spiral: …yes?

Mojo: Find out everything you can about this… Joker. He’s going to be the star of the Mojoverse!

TV Gardener: --Now you have to be careful the bulbs aren’t too deep or your seedlings might now break the surface in time. My advice--

Poison Ivy: Hey!
The Channel switching picks up speed.

Guard 1: What’s the problem Isley?

Poison Ivy: The TV! It’s going insane!

Guard 1: Well it’s come to the right place.

Guard 2: Hey she’s right! Look.

Guard 1: What the…?

The guards draw their weapons and run towards her. She fends them off and defeats them with 3 arms holding swords and shakes Ivy’s hand with another.. The other 2 arms open a briefcase and remove a picture of the Joker.
To Ivy and the other inmates:
Spiral: Hi, I’m looking for this guy.

Thanks.

Joker: And you are…?

Spiral: Your ticket to the top.

Joker: …riiight. Look here my multi-limbed lady friend

I’m not scheduled to escape again for another couple of weeks or so. It’s all about comedic timing you know. Fresh material and so forth.

Spiral: Here’s your fresh material.

The Mojoverse wants to cut a deal with you. Top of the notch sketch comedy with you as the host twenty four hours a day, seven days a week!

Joker: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Spiral: I assure you, Mojo is for real and--

Joker: No I mean this script! It’s terrible! Pure dribble!

Who in blinking blue blazes is Longshot?! And yeesh! Even Croc could pull this off better! We’ll have to write Harley in here and…

Never mind we’ll just have to start from scratch.

Let me take care of the casting, toots. And just about everything else for that matter.

Spiral: You can’t just--

Joker: Well if it’s not on my terms…

Spiral: …fine. Just sign here and you’ll get full creative freedom I promise.
Joker: Now hold it! I don’t sign a thing without my attorney!
Cuts to the inside of Two-Face’s cell. Joker kicks open the door and is holding a set of keys. Behind him, Spiral is taking out more guards.

Joker: Gather up the usual suspects, Harv! We’re going on a little field trip!
Laughs Maniacally.

Gordon: We found this in the Joker’s cell.

Batman: A screenplay?
Gordon: Looks like it. You’re welcome to have a look when my people are through.

I still don’t buy this six-armed woman. We’re looking into a possible mass hallucination.

Batman: Perhaps. It was awfully convenient that the security monitors went haywire during the incident. But I’d be more convinced if Tech or Crane were involved.

Gordon: Scarecrow is still awaiting trial in New York. Hatter’s a possibility though, he escaped last month.

Iceman: Somehow I doubt it, guys.

Batman: If you’ll excuse us, commissioner.

To Iceman:
Outside.

Batman: What are you doing here?

Iceman: The news about the break-out was fed into the watchtower’s computer while I was on duty. Thought I’d help out.

Batman: I have enough operatives in Gotham, and this doesn’t concern the Justice League.

Iceman: Oh then I guess you don’t want me to tell you about Spiral: Six-armed-cyborg-sorceress -assassin-extraordinaire.

Batman: One of yours I take it?
Iceman: Well I share her with the rest of the X-Men, but yeah. And technically it’s probably her boss who’s at the root of this one. I think your gallery just mozied on down to the Mojoverse.

Batman: Come again?

Iceman: Here’s all the info I have on both Mojo and his “verse.” Try to keep an open mind.

Batman: You’ve fought this Mojo before?

Iceman: He likes to abduct mutant vigilantes who are sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them. We tend to boost ratings.

Batman: Ratings?

Iceman: It’s all on the disc. Open mind, Bats. Open mind.

Batman: I’ll try and remember.

Iceman: Batman, wait.

If you need help you know where to find me.

I’m serious, man. Mojo has a whole evil universe behind him not to mention all of your deranged foes. This one might be out of even your league.

Batman: We’ll see.

Iceman: You’re welcome.

Alfred: You certainly are investing a lot of time into young Mr. Drake’s disc.

Batman: I know it seems crazy, Alfred, but Iceman has no reason to mislead me. He can be irresponsible sometimes, but he’s not a liar. Besides, this explains the testimony of the guards and even complements the script found in Joker’s cell.

Alfred: I still find it appalling that there’s an entire universe of life forms who want to watch the Joker on television.

Batman: There’s more to it than that Alfred. Theoretically other dimensions vibrate on different frequencies than ours. That’s why they can all coexist with little to no physical interaction. But the vibrations of the Mojoverse are in perfect sync with those of TV and radio signals. They receive media broadcasts from all over the Multiverse, including Earth. For these people television isn’t just a bizarre addiction. It’s a way of life. A way of life that’s easily exploited.

Alfred: My word.

Batman: This Mojo knows how to control his audience. To him, Joker and the others are just tools to fulfill that goal.

Alfred: Perhaps someone should warn this Mr. Mojo about the Joker’s already inflated ego.

Batman: My sentiments exactly. The spot light is no place for a proud psychopath.

Joker: Sorry kiddies! The show’s over, but feel free to zombify yourselves over reruns for a few days!

A-buh-dee-A-buh-dee-A-buh- That’s All Folks!
Bows and enters his dressing room. Breathes a sigh of satisfaction.

It’s a good year to be a comic genius.

Riddler: And where does that leave us, Joker?

Joker: Well, well, the gang’s all here!

Poison Ivy: Why did you bring us here, Joker? So we can be side attractions in your little movie deal?!

Joker: Television, Pammy, Television! There’s a big difference.

Clayface: Like you’d even know! I’ve been in the business for--

Joker: Oh please, Matty. Any talent you had dripped out years ago.

Scarface: We ain’t your puppets, clowny! You’re running the show while we work the supporting cast and whatta we go to show for it?!
Harley: Zilch!
Riddler: Nadda!
Clayface: Zip!

Killer Croc: …ugh… Zilch!

Joker: I’m hurt, old chums! Really! Of course I have your best interests in mind. Harvey.

Two-Face: Your new contracts. Double the salary, double the benefits.

Joker: And a few delightful bonuses!

Riddler: My very own quiz show!

Poison Ivy: Oooh! The late night botany block!

Joker: Sign away, everybody! It’s not like you’ve got anything to lose!

Spiral to Joker very coldly:
Spiral: Walk with me, Clown. We need to talk.

Joker: But of course, Ms. Spiral. I’m all ears!

Joker: Ah my faithful cast of total yutzes! Toss ‘em a fish and watch ‘em slap their fins together!

Spiral: You can’t just divide up time slots like that! You don’t have that kind of authority here!
Joker: Oh relax, will you. They’re going to be kings and queens of the 1AM to 6AM timeslot. Filler material for the off time. A nice alternative to the infomercials that plague my home dimension. Instead of Lady Cleo, they get the Plant Lady. Who really cares as long as I’m the lord and master of prime time and they’re my underlings.

Spiral: You idiot! This is the Mojoverse! It’s all prime time!

People watch TV 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 30 days a month, 365 days a year, 10 years a decade, 100 years a century, 1000 days a millennium--

Joker: Yeesh! What do you think I am some kind of slave?! We need a good solid block of shows that are terrible! Real stinkers! That way they’ll appreciate me all the more!
Spiral: You’re insane. Mojo doesn’t want--

Joker: I wouldn’t worry about Mojo. He absolutely adores me. I make him bust his massive gut every time I open my mouth. He could care less what I do. We’re buddies, pals, amigos, compardres! I’m his right hand man.

Grins mockingly at Spiral.
Spiral: But I’m his right hand man!

Woman!

Joker: Oh don’t look so glum. I’m sure we can find a little job for you. Why you could make coffee, sort fan mail, and scrub my private bathroom all at once!
Spiral draws 6 swords out of thin air.

Spiral: Why you little!
Mojo: Spiral!!!
Mojo has come up from behind her.

Have you lost all sense! That’s my star performer! He puts the Mojoverse back on top, and you try to carve him like a Thanksgiving mule!!!
Spiral: But I--

Joker: I tried to talk her out of it, Mojey, but she was blinded with jealousy!

To Spiral:
Mojo: Now I’m as much of an advocate of hatred, vengeance, violence, blood, and guts as the next guy, but go take out your homicidal urges on some lowly peasant librarian and leave my actors out of it!
Spiral screams in frustration and teleports away.

Joker: Well, she’s a temperamental little number.

Mojo: Forget her, and feast your eyes on this!!!

Joker: <Gasp!> They love me! They really love me! And I didn’t even have to infect them with lethal Joker toxin!
Mojo laughs and wipes a tear out of his eye.

Mojo: Well this is just the beginning, babe! I’ve got something to show you.

You’ve done so well during pilot week that we’ve decided to jump the gun. Your testing phase is over, my friend!
Opens doors and reveals a massive machine with computer monitors and power generators all over it.

Joker: Ooooh! It’s a… thing.

Mojo: It’s our transdimensional broadcast generator! This baby’s gunna translate you into 50 million languages across hundreds of the Mojoverse’s sister realities!

Joker: This is a rather a unique opportunity… and you say they’ll be seeing the show on Earth too?
Mojo: Well yeah, and hundreds of other--

Joker: Mojo old pal I think it’s time for a very special guest star!
Laughs maniacally.

Scene: Gotham City. A broadcast from the Mojoverse is being shown on TV throughout the city.

Joker: We interrupt whatever mindless pointless show you’ve been watching to bring Batman a very special message.

Riddler: Salutations to Gotham’s ebon winged guardian! If you’re looking for your old friends we suggest you come find us be four it‘s too late. Be there… or be square.

Joker: Good job, Eddie!

Spiral: Oh give me a break, that wasn’t even a real riddle!

Riddler: You would try to inform me of the nature of riddles???

Spiral: Freaks! You’re all freaks.

Mojo: Freaks that are winning back our audience! But she has a point.

Joker: Trust me Mojey, old Bat-Funk reads into anything and everything that Question Boy here says!

Spiral: “Be there or be square.” Pathetic.

Mojo: Greetings all you lowly disgusting filthy creatures of the Multiverse! This is your new lord and master Mojo informing you that we’re changing your channels permanently! We’re proud to bring you something you will enjoy!!!

Harley: Nighty Night Bat-Breath!

Riddler: Try and figure your way out of this one, Batman!

Scarface: Nygma you stupid moron! Why do you always leave him a way out!

Batman throws a batarang that knocks Scarface out of the Ventriloquist’s hand and across the building top.
Ventriloquist: Mr. Scarface!

Riddler: What?!

Joker: Well that just leaves you and me then, huh?
Batman dives at Joker delivers several well placed blows and bat-cuffs him. The TV changes to the Joker, back in the Mojoverse.

Joker: Bravo, Batman, bravo!

The audience truly loves you!
Batman looks down to see that everyone in Gotham Square is watching the giant TV laughing uncontrollably. Batman wriggles his way out of Clayface’s grip and jumps over him.

Batman: What have you done to them, Joker toxin?

Joker: Nothing so mundane Batsy, oh no! My new pal Mojo has cut a deal with me. I’m being broadcast on hypno-vision all across the planet! And everyone will love me no matter what!
Laughs insanely and everyone glued to the TV below joins in.

Joker: You know, Clayface, I don’t think Batman is going to come and be our special guest peacefully. So before we make him a star you’ll have to make him see them first.

Iceman: You need to cool down, gruesome.

Iceman: I saw Joker’s broadcast earlier and figured I’d keep an eye on things.

Batman: So you figured out the riddle?
Iceman: Riddle??? Heck no, I just looked for the biggest TV in Gotham!

Batman: Brilliant.

Joker: Well, well, well, it seems we have a party crasher! Nobody invited you, Frost Face, so beat it!

Spiral: Actually, Joker, there’s been a change in the line up.

Spiral: Do we really need them boss?
Mojo: <It couldn’t hurt to have a few extras!>
Spiral: Fine. Let the little clown have his way.

Joker: Do you mind! I’m trying to conduct a performance woman!
Spiral: These couch potatoes can veg for a little while longer.

Spiral: The real show hasn’t even begun. Stay tuned folks!
Blows a kiss to the camera (the screen the viewers would be watching in real life) and disappears with the Arkham characters. The screen goes to static.

Iceman: What? Where? Huh?

Batman: We’re in the Mojoverse. You’d better make yourself alert.

Iceman: You’re right. I should tell the drugs they’ve probably put in my system to stop working. And my headache to just go away.

Batman: Mojo’s broadcast was mesmerizing the crowd at Gotham Square Plaza. Joker said his show would air all over the planet.

Iceman: I hate to break it to you, but laughing boy’s show is probably airing in a vast number of different dimensions. When Mojo thinks he has something good, he crams it down everyone’s throats in order to try and expand his empire through TV addiction.

I’m serious!

Batman: They were different from your average TV zombies. They were acting as deranged as the Joker. I’m not sure if they can survive prolonged exposure to that kind of violent laughing.

Batman: …It’s no joke.

Iceman: Try telling that to him.

Aside:
And he acts like I have weird enemies.

Batman: Mojo is trying to mentally break down his audience so as to make them easy to manipulate. But Joker could care less about that. I suspect he’s using this opportunity to fulfill his usual routine, only on a much grander scale.

Iceman: You mean he wants to make hundreds of dimensions full of living things die laughing?! That is sooooo disturbing.

Batman: We don’t have a lot of time. Can you reach my utility belt?

Iceman: No. These bonds are too tight. Still… why would they leave it on you?

Batman: Probably because they want us to perform.

Scene: Joker’s dressing room. Mojo, Spiral, Two-Face and Joker are talking as Joker is getting ready for the show.
Two-Face: You promised my client full creative liberties, this is a breach of contract.

Spiral: You may have a thing for Batman Joker, but having an X-Man do a guest spot on the show would give our audience something to--

Joker: He just doesn’t interest me as a character.

Mojo: Look, Joker! Babe! Star! Genius! Try and see things from my perspective. Iceman is one of our old fan favorites. It was a stroke of TV magic that he showed up tonight!!! We run him through a few hoops and we end up hitting a few more demographics. I know you can think of something for the little guy to do.

Joker: Hmmm… I suppose I could…

Deal!
Mojo: Great! This is gunna make Mojoverse history! Why I cant remember the last time--

Spiral: Wait! He didn’t even tell us what he’s going to--

Joker: Spiral, how dare you interrupt Lord Mojo!
Spiral: But I was just--

Mojo: You have really been pushing it, ya know! You can forget about your sweeps bonus, missy!
Spiral growls at Joker and teleports away. Joker gives her a smug smile and waves goodbye as she does so. Joker takes out his pocket watch.

Joker: Well what do ya know! It’s show time!

Harley: Live from the Mojoverse, it’s Twenty-four Seven! With Poison Ivy! The Riddler! Clayface! Killer Croc! …um… Some guy with a stupid puppet!

Scarface: Hey!!!

Harley: The Vixen of Villainy! Cupid of Crime! Mistress of Mayhem! The Sweetheart of Psychos--

Joker: HARLEY!!!

Harley: Heh… what he said… and of course, our very special guest stars…

Batman and… um… someone else!
Iceman looks annoyed. To Batman:
Iceman: You know I’ve been on this network a lot longer than you.

Harley: And your host, Theeeeeee Joker!

Joker: Batsy, old chew! It’s been ages since we’ve had you on the show! How’re the kids?!

Those junior bat-cadets can be a real handful, huh? And who’s your little playmate?

Iceman: The name’s Iceman, Paste-Face!
Joker: Oooh he’s got spunk!

Iceman: I’ve got more than that. I hope you like it cold, buddy, cuz we’re shutting this whole operation down.

Joker: Wit and determination!

Running around with a cutie like this, you’re going to make Robin jealous!

Iceman: What?! Hey!

Joker: Stick around kiddies! We’ve got a great show for ya!

Audience applauds as the lights go off on the main stage. Too the left the lights come up and Joker and Harley are doing a commercial parody skit. Batman and Iceman remain in the darkness and whisper to each other. We hear their conversation drowning out the sketch to the left.
Batman: Don’t bother playing his games, Drake. You’re only going to make this harder if you give in to his rules.

Iceman: And if we don’t play by Mojo’s rules? Then what? He kills us? If you don’t try to put up some kind of an act then we wont stick around long enough to figure this out.

Batman: I’m not performing for anyone.

Iceman: Look, Batman, I know you like to play tough guy all the time, but right now--

Batman: I’m not playing at all, Drake. This is serious. The second they take off our bonds we make a break for the control room.
Iceman: And where would that be?
Batman: We’ll find it.

Iceman: With what? Your Bat-Echolocation? Besides it’s not as easy to get out of these shows as you might think. Mojo is probably holding us on the set with subliminal messages. We’ll have to get knocked out of range by accident for this to work.

Batman: Then that’s what we’ll do.

Iceman: Uh… Anyone ever define “accident” for you, Bats?

Mojo: Ahhh! This guy just gets funnier and funnier! Isn’t this great!

Spiral: Oh… yes. Very funny.

Joker: Hi honey! I’m home!

Harley: Hey puddin’!
They kiss.

How was work?

Joker: Slow day, sweetheart. In fact I think I may be about to be laid off…

Harley: Well gee, that’s too bad… But hey at least you have your lovin’ family!

Joker: Hey you’re right! I forgot that we have junior and son take out aggression upon!
The audience laughs.

Harley: That’s right! Oh boys!

Joker: Daddy had a bad day at work and he wants you to pay.

Harley: Mommy too!
She pulls a bazooka out from under her dress.

Harley: What a mess! I’m not cleaning this up!

Iceman: Pure disrespect for classic TV! Typical Mojoverse programming.

Iceman freezes and shatters Harley’s bazooka then K.O.s her with an Ice-ball.
Joker breaks the bulb and shade off of a lamp and jams it into Iceman’s chest, electrocuting him.
Joker: How dare you treat your mother that way!

Imitating Ricky Ricardo:
You’ve got some serious ‘splainin’ to do!

Batman: Child abuse isn’t funny, Joker.

Joker: Then why is everybody laughing???

Joker: Why it’s our wacky next-door neighbor Mr. Reptile! I sure hope our little family squabble didn’t wake you Mr. Reptile!

Oh and there’s your lovely wife! Mrs. Reptile! How have the happy little couple been, Mrs. Reptile?

Poison Ivy: Shut up.

Joker laughs. Aside to Croc:
Joker: She’s a real ball and chain huh?
Croc shrugs. Joker is hit by a giant Ice-Beam and knocked away. Croc turns to face Iceman who charges him and engages him in a slugfest with two massive Ice-Fists.

Killer Croc: Give it up, snowflake! I’m gunna gut you and eat your bones!

Iceman: A cold-blooded killer eh?
Killer Croc: I’ve got more ice flowin’ through these veins than you!
Croc suddenly falls over paralyzed in pain.

Iceman: No you didn’t.

Poison Ivy: No!
Batman snags her with a bat-bola.

Batman: You’re right. There’s some kind of psychic force that’s keeping us from leaving the set. I’ve been distracted the whole time somehow.

Iceman: See I told you. Mojo has fail safes for uncooperative actors. We’re just going to have to play along.
The audience starts chanting Joker’s name over and over again.

Batman glares at them.
Easy there, Batsy. They’re under his control too.
Batman: Don’t call me that. That’s what he calls me.

Mojo: Aaaaahh!!! they’re wrecking everything!
Spiral: Yeah what a shame. Oh well I guess we’ll just have to find some other show to--

Mojo: Oh no! A little persistence’ll solve this predicament! Watch and learn!
He pulls out a giant high tech remote control and begins to input various commands onto the main screen which is showing Batman, Iceman, and the audience booing them. The screen is zapped into a panoramic view of Tokyo.

A little monster movie is just what the dictator ordered!

Cuts to inside of sketch: Batman and Iceman are flying an old fashioned WW2 plane wearing flight goggles and scarves and confronting a gigantic Clayface. All the character’s mouth movements don’t match their dialogue as if it were a bad, old Japanese monster movie.
Batman: Terrific!
Iceman: Yeah… it would be nice if we got some kind of warning. Maybe a little glance at the scripts before we--

Then again, maybe you’re not a big fan of warnings.

Batman: You were able to freeze him last time.

Iceman: Right. I’m on it.

Joker: You are a fool to try and stop the Mudman! He will surely devour us all!
He does an impression of a badly translated Japanese monster movie laugh, pulls out a flame thrower and focuses all of its heat on Iceman. Iceman is pushed back and plummets

Batman: Iceman!
He pulls the plane down and catches Iceman as he falls. Clayface spit’s a big mud ball at the plane and they crash. The mud shell cushions the impact. Batman grabs Iceman and dives out of the plane before the Giant Clayface smashes it creating lots of cracks in the ground. Batman looks inquisitively at the cracks.

Iceman: Jeeze… Mojo spared no expense on the sets this time around.
Batman: Sets. Exactly. Freeze the ground.

Iceman: What?
Batman: Do it!
Iceman: Alrighty. But the bad guy’s up there.

Batman: Let him punch here.

Iceman: You sure about this?
Batman just looks up and waits for the right moment.

Batman: Move!
They move out of the way of the fist and the ground shatters beneath them. Batman and Iceman fall several stories. Batman grapples onto a girder and swings down to safety. Iceman slides down next to him.

Batman: The set was hollow. Including the ground.

Iceman looks slightly annoyed:
Iceman: Yeah I get it.

Joker fires at them from the hole above. Batman throws an explosive batarang at the floor making another hole.
Batman: Follow me!
The two of them go into the hole and disappear below. Joker throws his gun down at them angrily.
Joker: Cut to a commercial!

Cuts to the control room.
Mojo: There are no commercials!!!
Joker: Well make some! See what I care!!!
Spiral: I’ll put up the hypno-logo. It’ll buy us some time.

Joker: They’re not laughing anymore!!!
Spiral: So what as long as they’re watching.

Joker turns to Spiral furiously:
Joker: If they don’t think it’s funny, I’d rather they weren’t!

Spiral: Simmer down, this is just a technical setback.

She goes to a computer screen and starts trying to trace Batman and Iceman.

Batman and Iceman got off the set they’re not held by our mental bonds anymore. All we have to do is find them and then we can resume the show.

Joker: Well go find them now you Nincompoop! Get that teleporting behind of yours in gear!

Mojo looks oddly at Joker as he leaves the control room.
Mojo: Did he seem mad to you?
Spiral just rolls her eyes and teleports away.

Batman: You were careless back there.

Iceman: Hey you were the one who told me to flash freeze Clayface.

Batman: One of these days you’re going to have to watch your own back.

Iceman: Wow, he really ruffles you feathers doesn’t he?
Batman: Excuse me?
Iceman: Sorry if your most obnoxious and irritating foes have all kidnapped you. But I’m here to help, remember? You wouldn’t know diddley squat about what’s going on here if it wasn’t for me.

Batman: This isn’t just some personal vendetta they have against me. There are countless lives at stake. And I don’t have time to be concerned about amateurs.

Iceman: You’re a piece of work you know that?!
Batman: Get serious, Drake. We don’t have time for this. Listen. If we can make our way down this--

Iceman: No you listen!
Batman looks surprised, Iceman goes back into his human form and his face is clearly very stressed out and irritated.

You don’t think I take this seriously?! You don’t think I know what’s at stake? You don’t know a damn thing about me!

Batman: You’re not making yourself seem any more professional right now.

Iceman: And you’re not making yourself seem like any less of a jerk.

Hey I know I joke around a lot, but that’s just who I am. I never asked to suddenly be responsible for saving the day all the time. I was born this way! And not a day goes by that I’m not reminded that everyone hates me just for being able to turn into ice! Just for having the wrong genes… I’d much rather be on the other side of that TV screen. A mindless zombie who doesn’t know how close he and the rest of the crazy world come to total annihilation on a weekly basis. But I’m not. I could be bitter and complain and get on the cases of everyone who has it easier than me… but I decided a long time ago that my life would be an adventure… not a curse. So maybe I take things lightly every now and then. So maybe I’m human and I screw up. But I’d be insane if I didn’t.

Batman: Are you done?
Iceman: Yeah I guess…

So what’s your excuse anyway? Why do you have to act like such a hard case all the time?
Batman stops in his tracks and remains silent for a bit.

Batman: …A punk gunned down my parents right in front of me when I was eight years old.

Iceman: … I’m sorry…

…You know I’ve always gotten the impression you don’t want me around.
Batman: You remind me a lot of someone from the old Justice League.

Iceman: And here I thought I was one of a kind.
Batman: Never mind. Let’s go.
Spiral is suddenly standing nearby.
Spiral: Hate to spoil the therapy session, but we have far more interesting and violent moments to capture on camera.

Batman: You! Why Joker? Why Gotham?

Spiral: Believe me I’d just as soon put them back, but the boss-man has other plans.

Iceman: You can tell him we’re changing the lineup.

Spiral: You can tell him yourself. He’s been dying to have an audience with you… or is that the other way around… oh well. We’ll see.
Batman rushes her and begins to fight. She gracefully dances around his every punch and teleports away from Iceman’s every projectile. Then appears a few yards away and yawns mockingly.

Iceman: You know I wouldn’t advise playing hard to get, Spiral. Guys probably keep you at arms length anyway. I know I could probably stand about four less of them.

Spiral: Earthlings. Now what about you, tall dark and deranged? Are you going to come quietly or do I have to call a fleet of mutant robots to take you down?

Batman: You tell me.
Spiral teleports behind him. Holds his hands behind his back with two arms and traces her fingers across his mask and chest playfully with the other four.

Spiral: There’s something about masks that just drives me wild. But hopefully the sooner we get rid of you, the sooner we can get rid of your friends.

Joker: Hello all, and welcome to “Joker Jeopardy!” The show where everybody dies but me!

Joker: And here, of course, are our contestants: Bat-Freak, and Ice-Boy!

Batman: End this, Joker. This is pure insanity.

Joker: What and all my other schemes weren’t??? Anyhoo, here’s how we play the game: I ask you a series of stupid questions that all the folks at home would know to make you and all the other moron’s feel better, then we move on to the impossible ones and you lose.
Laughs. Audiences laughs and cheers.

And what you might ask happens when you lose??? Well if Iceman loses then--

--He falls to his death and dissolves molecule by molecule in a bucket of otherworldly acid!
Audience laughs. Harley puts switch back and the hole closes up again.

And if Batman loses…

… we drop Iceman to his death anyway!
Laughs maniacally. Audience laughs even harder to the point where many of them are having trouble breathing.
Cuts to numerous homes across the world tuned in to Joker’s broadcast doing the same.

Question one! What color are my socks?

Batman whispers to Iceman:
Batman: Don’t play the game, Drake. We make the rules, not him.

Joker: No cheating! Harley.

Batman: I admit it, Joker. You have me… it’s a good thing you had Mojo to help you.

Joker: I didn’t need lard-faces help!

Audience laughs at Mojo. Mojo’s smile fades. To Spiral:
Mojo: What did he Just call me?!

Joker: Nice try, Batsy! But I don’t have to kill you today. I could let you go and then try again by myself!

Iceman: But you are going to kill everyone else.

Joker: Quiet, brat!

Iceman: It’s true, Mojo. Joker’s somehow tampered with your broadcasting equipment. That’s what’s making everyone think he’s so funny.
Joker: You’re speaking out of turn.

Batman: He wants your audience to die laughing. After that you won’t have one.

Mojo: You little smurf dropping!!!

Joker: Mojey old pal! You know I wouldn’t do that to you! They’re just trying to ruin the show!
Spiral returns.
Spiral: The men in tights are right! The clown rigged the humor valve of the transdimentional generator! The tech boys are already in the control room trying to fix it but he re-encrypted the code!

Mojo screams angrily and charges the stages blowing everything up in his path. Joker leaps out of his game show host attire and runs from him. Harley flips over to the rest of the Arkham inmates leaving her evening gown behind, now dressed as she normally is.
Harley: We’ve gotta help him!
Riddler: Why? He never told any of us about this?
Killer Croc: Why not? I’d just as soon maim them all myself. I mean there’s probably something in it for us right, Quinn?
Harley: Uh… sure!
Ventriloquist: I- I don’t know about this.

Scarface: Da dummy’s right! Why make Gatman any more angry dan he already is!

Two-Face: I could go both ways.

Clayface: As if Joker would do us any favors.
Harley: Red???
Poison Ivy: Well… the death of civilized society could pave the way for a Botanical Renaissance.

Clayface: You’re as crazy as him.

Harley: You take that back, Slime ball!
The Arkham inmates begin fighting amongst themselves.

Batman: Well that takes care of them for now.

Iceman: Hello! More pressing things right now!

Batman: I’m thinking. Hang on.

Iceman: Oh now he tries to get witty.

Help.

Iceman: Thanks.

What a day.

Iceman gets up. Spiral teleports behind him.
Spiral: Shh! Don’t tell.

She pulls out a remote control and zaps both Iceman and Batman’s bonds which fall off.
Iceman: Why would you--

Spiral: We don’t want to lose the audience any more than you want them to die. Besides, I really hate that clown.
Batman: Take us to the broadcasting equipment.

Spiral: No. You help us decipher his encryption.

Batman: There’s no time for that. We’re going to have to manually shut down the generator.

Spiral: That’s not an option. At this rate it can’t be shut down. You’d have to-- now wait a minute! No one’s touching that machine!

You know you can’t touch me, Batman. Huh?

Iceman: Nice. C’mon.

Batman and Iceman Ice Slide towards the exit, but Mojo turns around and blasts the slide. Iceman regains his balance and keeps going but Batman falls into the audience which is still laughing psychotically.
Iceman: Batman!
Batman: Keep going! Destroy the generator.

Joker: Destroy the-- oh no you don’t!

Joker runs after Iceman.
Mojo: Get back here you miserable little--

Batman throws several exploding batarangs at Mojo which all explode in his face doing little damage.
Ahhh! That was really annoying!

I’m starting to see why he wanted to kill you so much!

Batman: Don’t make this harder on yourself.

Mojo: You don’t seem to understand! Right now all I want to do is skin that comedian alive!
Batman: You’d stop Iceman from destroying the generator just as soon as he would. You’d rather see your audience dead than build a new machine from scratch.

Mojo: The Multiverse is a big place, I can find new viewers sooner than I could replace that equipment.

Batman: Viewers? Don’t you mean slaves?!
Mojo: Yes actually. And I don’t plan on some loser who dresses up as a flying rodent getting in the way!!!

Mojo: Pathetic!
The batarang comes back around and hits him in the artificial spine sending a large dose of electricity flowing through him and his mechanical parts (The Mechanical Scorpion tail, and the Spider-Walker.) Mojo slumps back, smoking. Batman heads for the exit.

Iceman: Oh my god…

Joker: What’s the matter, Frosty? I thought you were a jolly happy soul? Don’t you like my art?

Iceman turns around and faces Joker.
Iceman: I’m not even dignifying that with a response.

He charges up an Ice Blast on his fists and aims at Joker. Joker whips out his flame thrower and focuses all of its power on Iceman. Iceman staggers back and begins to drip and steam.
Joker: What’s the matter? You look a little hot under the collar!
Giggles.

Iceman: What… what is that?

Joker: Just your average flame thrower…amplified about a hundred times by alien technology! You don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hades of surviving! You see, I want to see grinning corpses spanning across multiple alternate realities and you’re not going to stop me!

But maybe I’ll let you finish watching the real show before the big melteroo! Here’s some nice shots of what’s going on at home sweet home!
Laughs. Iceman is on the ground struggling to stay together.

Truly pathetic. Adios, ya filthy mutie!

What?!
Iceman: There’s a good reason I’m called Iceman, Joker.

Joker: You can’t do that!
The ice-beam begins to completely over take the flame thrower and the backlash reaches Joker.

Joker: No!
Joker is flash frozen with an angry scowl on his face.

Iceman: Now that’s funny.

Iceman: Case closed, fearless leader.

Iceman: Still gotta work on that whole watching my own back thing, huh?
Batman smiles:
Batman: You’re making progress.

Scene: Still in the Mojoverse, In a room with a giant TV that is displaying nothing but static currently. Joker and the Arkham villains are all trapped in a block of Ice. Iceman is sitting on top of them while Batman tinkers with the TV’s control panel.
Batman: I think I have this figured out.

Iceman: Nice. But what about everything else here?
Batman: We destroyed their broadcasting equipment. That should be a major setback. Otherwise there’s not a whole lot we can do for Mojo’s slaves at the moment. If we really overstay our welcome…

Iceman: I know. I know. They’ll just capture us again. Still, we saved the day. That should mean something.
Batman: It does. Good work, Iceman.
Iceman: Thanks. I guess that’s your highest praise huh?

Batman: Probably.

Spiral: They’re gone, Mojo.

Mojo: Praise be to curdled cheese demons!!! Good riddance!!!
Spiral: You know this Dark Knight has possibilities though.
The TV screen changes to images of Batman.

I’d love to host a documentary that gets under the cape of the crusader. It could hold real interest.
Mojo: Maybe, but BLECH! Why does he hang around with such second rate no names??? I mean a “Justice League” show has real potential but what ever happened to the heavy hitters like Wonder Woman, Captain America, and Wolverine??? I mean Marvel Girl??? Gimmie a break!!!

Spiral: Hmmm… maybe you’re right.

Mojo: Of course I’m right. Now find that old footage of “X-Force Meets the Flintstones” and loop it until we can get this place cleaned up… I never want to see a clown again for as long as I live!!!